Paula Deen - The David Blaine of Food TV
So, I'm sitting here at home, watching Paula Deen's shows on the Food Network. Anyway, have you seen that movie "They Live" with Roddy Piper, where he wears special sunglasses that reveal aliens pretending to be humans? I wonder what Roddy would see when he looked at Paula.
Hey, Paula's awesome, and one of my biggest influences on the Food Network. But has anyone stopped to see the evil stare BEHIND the smile? Like look, everyone (inlcuding me) jumps all over Rachael Ray for being a corporation instead of a person, pointing how she "jumped the shark" when she went all Oprah on us, but is Paula Deen any different?
Caption: Paula Deen serves up a basket of heart failure
A quick look at her website reveals that she is hawking books, an "official magazine", a restaurant, 2 TV shows, and a "live tour". See, Paula Deen is the Elvis of Food. Oh right, and let's not forget that she rams her children down our throats at EVERY opportunity, too.
caption: The Romulus and Remus of Coat-Tail-Riders
Here's the best part: No one notices! Or at least not publicly. She's a whiz at self-promotion, and when needed, falls back on her "yokel" accent to keep you on tilt. In effect, she's the David Blaine of Food TV because she's able to make you forget that she's a shrewd business-woman. She makes you forget that her recipes are so unhealthy, they're single-handedly responsible for the majority of Adult-Onset Diabetes cases in America.
Caption: Paula's biscuits are made entirely of butter, mayonnaise, and the tears of starving children
Well, you don't have ME fooled, Beelze-Deen. See, my fiance stood in line to get your autograph for me at our local Wegman's. You know what happened when he dared ask you to write "To Melissa" on it? You REFUSED, saying "But honey, then I'd have to do it for everybody." Ummm, exactly why wouldn't you want to personalize your signatures? I'LL tell you why: Because she's actually been dead for 10 years and replaced by a ROBOT.
caption: Paula Deen will only personalize her signature if you agree to eat an entire basket of whatever-the-hell that is. Including the napkin-liner.
So, why all this hate? Two reasons: #1 - I'm DEADLY jealous. How dare she make a billion dollars a year while I work and slave and make NOT A PENNY at this whole cooking thing! Just because she's smart, talented, and photogenic doesn't mean she's better than me. Okay, so it kind of DOES mean she's better than me. Well then, I'll rely on #2 - The internet is meant for random people like me to say nasty things about people they've never met.
caption: Paula, eagerly awaiting the arrival of Hansel and Gretyl.
I'm on to you, Darth Deen. And if I ever make it big and famous, I'll deny ever having written this. So there.