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[WARNING: The following predictions are EXTREMELY accurate. Ignore them and suffer the consequences!]

Aries (3/21-4/19)
The moon is in orbit with Mars and Mars Bars are in orbit with your ass. Go on a diet, fatty!

Taurus (4/20-5/20)
While preparing brownies for your cousin's Bar Mitzvah, you will beat the batter too long and overdevelop the gluten. The brownies will be chewy and your cousin will choke during his Haftorah. Don't worry. Now's your moment to shine. Ascend the bema and sing: "Miracle of Miracles" in a high falsetto. You'll be a hit.

Gemini (5/21-6/21)
Season your love life like you season your soup. In otherwords: oversalt it. Salt kills bacteria and most of the people you sleep with are diseased.

Cancer (6/22-7/22)
There's a crumb on your chin. No, not there. There. NO. On your CHIN. Jesus, are you blind? Here, just wipe your whole chin... use a napkin. There, you got it.

Leo (7/23-8/22)
Don't bite the hand that feeds you unless the hand is Rachel Ray's in which case bite and bite hard.

Virgo (8/23 - 9/22)
When making pesto, you tend to add the oil too rapidly. It's because you're ugly and no one loves you.

Libra (9/23 - 10/22)
Hey! Who's the best cook in the world? You are!! And even if you're not, at least you're not a Virgo. Virgo's are ugly and no one loves them! Plus their pesto sucks.

Scorpio (10/23 - 11/21)
A census taker will try to test you. Eat his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. If he's Jewish, chop the liver. It's delicious!

Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21)
When Frank Bruni gives your new restaurant zero stars, you may feel like your career is over. It is!

Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19)
When life throws you lemons, make lemonade. When life throws you preserved lemons, prepare Veal Shanks, Artichokes, Chick-Peas with Preserved lemon.

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Nisha's picture
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More On Astrology & Food-FUN...ENJOY!!